Jowan
by Taterborn
Summary: Surana finds herself bound by her morals and duty as a mage and friend to be Jowan's executioner.


Jowan was reluctant to step too close to the bars of the cell, but he still reached out to touch them when Ellistine appeared. She turned to the others who had accompanied her and nodded. They edged away back to the door of the dungeon and tried to look as though the weren't listening in. It didn't matter anymore.

"So, I've heard you're to be my executioner," said Jowan. He rubbed his sweaty palms against his shabby, grimy robes.

Ellistine nodded slowly, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "I am."

She was always so serious. But she always listened, too. Jowan gripped the bars. Maybe she'd see reason, maybe he could reach out to her through their friendship. Before he could speak, she raised a hand to forestall him.

"I'm sorry that it has to be like this," she said, her voice cracking, "but I can't let you free. Please don't ask me." She was blinking rapidly. Her whole face was developing pink blotches. "How did it start, Jowan?"

He inhaled. "It's stupid, really. You'll laugh at me. Or, at least, Anders would if he were here."

She looked at him with great sincerity. "I would never laugh at you, Jowan."

The human rubbed his hands together, then wiped them against his robes once more. "I-I know. Well - it started because of you. To be honest."

He could see that's not what she had been expecting. He was a good friend, and he tried not to make the others feel uncomfortable because of him. It was not a wonder she was surprised.

"I don't…" she trailed off.

"You're the star pupil! Anders was good, but you could do everything twice as fast. I wanted to be as good a mage. I wanted to be like you!" He pressed his forehead between two bars. "I wanted to be the best, too. I thought… I thought blood magic would give me that boost."

"Oh, _Jowan_!" she exclaimed.

Her brows crinkled with disappointment. He hated that look. She gave it to him whenever he received very low marks, or when he asked a question that had been answered not five minutes before. Anders hadn't received that look nearly as often. That face had driven him to this. He looked away. _It was her fault_. Immediately, he chided himself for thinking that. _That was petty; Jowan the petty blood mage, useless for anything but complaining_.

"If you'd just told me, I could have helped you," she said, stepping forward and gripping the bars. "That's what the Circle is about, Jowan. About us helping each other and protecting each other."

"I know! I know. I'm sorry. I just… I wanted to be better. And then Lily came along, and she loved me just the way I was, even if I wasn't the best mage…" He sighed, gripping her hands around the bars. She may have been an elf, but she was more family to him than his parents had ever been. "Don't feel guilty, Ellistine. You won't ever know what it's like to be inadequate for everyone around you."

Ellistine stared at him and ripped her hands out from under his. "Self-pity is beneath you, Jowan. That's what started this in the first place. Don't end it that way."

He groaned, "No, please, please stop. I feel terrible that it turned out like this. I had stopped! I'd given up blood magic with Lily. She was perfect."

"Once you start, you won't stop. You'll always invent a reason to use it again. That's the first thing they told us."

Jowan rubbed his face. "I swear, it never would have occurred to me! There wouldn't have been a reason, until, well, the Rite of Tranquility. I'd rather they executed me. Then I'd definitely be dead, at least, instead of walking around like a corpse." He realized a little late that, given what Redcliffe had just endured, that was probably not the best analogy. But she didn't seem that bothered by it.

Her shoulders sagged and she rubbed her face tiredly. She looked how he felt - like a dirty wet rag. "If I could have, I would have changed their minds. But if it hadn't been that… you know you would have found another excuse."

"We don't know that," he said firmly. "But there isn't much I can do to fix what I've done." She stared at him uncertainly, gnawing on the inside of her cheek. "I know I messed up. With you, with my studies, with Lily, with everything. I guess… I guess if I didn't deserve this before… I do now. At least I helped make you a Grey Warden, kind of. Just… please, can I ask you for one last favor?"

She nodded mutely, swallowing.

"I know you might not - but if you ever do see Lily again, please tell her…" He swallowed, too. "Tell her I died thinking of her."

Ellistine nodded. After a moment, she let herself speak again. "I will. I'll tell her." She fell silent again and folded her arms, uncertain. "I… I don't quite know how to do this. I don't want to cause you pain, I…"

Well, that was a little morbid, discussing how to kill him with him. She'd come down here prepared to execute him, but didn't know how? Then, he was surprised she had it in her to do this at all.

She nodded suddenly. "There's a spell. It's supposed to ease someone's passing, someone who's already too sick or wounded. I could adapt it for this, make it stronger. It'd be painless." She blinked rapidly again. "I'm sorry I couldn't help you, Jowan."

He swallowed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, for being a disappointment."

She wrapped her hands around his again, around the bars. He felt her drawing on her magic, weaving her spell already. "You never disappointed me, Jowan."

Well, that was a lie. But maybe it wasn't. Maybe he'd finally done the right thing. Maybe he was a better mage now, a better person. Maybe he made this chosen sister proud. The spell was spilling from her hands to his and through his body. He wanted to say goodbye, but he was in a lecture again, trying to focus on the page of the book in front of him, or on the enchanter's voice, but he was just drifting off. He slid down, and she followed, her strange, green elven eyes following his. They morphed into Lily's warm brown eyes, and her soft, warm hands over his.

It was painless.


End file.
